What not to do when you travel.

Travelling is a pain. Airports have a terrible habit of draining every iota of excitement from you when you are off to far off places where the sun actually shines.  I decided to put together my guide to smoother travelling from some years of experience and encountering the TSA on a bad day.

1)      Never flirt with the security man in the baggage screening area to try and get the 150ml of Marc Jacobs Daisy through the machine and onto the plane. Smiling can work from time to time but prevent yourself from actually exchanging pleading words with the man. It repels them even more.

2)      Do not wear boots. You always have to take them off. For some reason they must think that you can fit bombs or knives or something in the infinitesimal space between your skinny jeans and the leather. It then takes another ten mins to get them back on while trying to balance on one foot and grabbing your stuff of the trays. Also, don’t wear either embarrassing or mis matching socks. By doing so, stares are guaranteed.

3)      Check the date on your ticket. Would suck to turn up a day late.

4)      When getting on the plane, take out book, i pod etc before you board to prevent holding up entire queue of people on the tiny aisle on the plane. People get cranky when they travel. They also sigh a lot. Also prevents having to ask the business man beside you to hold all your stuff while you try to lift your case into the overhead locker which, realistically, weighs about 15 kg and not 10kg.

5)      Oh yeah, do not make eye contact with the people checking the weight and size of said bag while boarding. Destined for disaster and an extra €30.

6)      Don’t try to re apply your make up during turbulence ( I know you want to arrive looking radiant). Especially mascara. Can have catastrophic effects.

7)      When landing, if there is something on your lap, make sure you hold onto it. Otherwise, things like your glasses might fly from your lap and underneath many rows in front of you. You will then have to crawl down the aisle, amidst the panic to get off the plane after 8 hours from Dublin to Chicago, to find your glasses. They may end up being right underneath the seat in front of you so don’t forget to check that first. Woops.

8)      Should you encounter emigration, feel free to flirt. Smile, bat eye lashes etc. Try not to cry because you’re tired. They don’t like that. Unless you missed your flight and have to re enter passport control although you never left the country in the first place. They can be very sympathising in this case.

9)      When disembarking down the steps, always wear your sunglasses, no matter how rainy it is outside. Covers up embarrassed red face when you fall down the last two steps because your bag actually weighs 15 kg (see point 4 above, perhaps the real reason for the 10kg limit)

10)   At the baggage carousel, check that each bag you remove is actually yours. Do not take the first bag that looks like yours only to get out of the airport and almost onto the shuttle to the car rental to discover that the bag is in fact, not yours at all. Prevents the explanation to the customer service agent and the person who owns the bag (when they give you the dirties) that you didn’t check the luggage tag on this bag, but you did check all your other luggage. Upside is that it can lead your bag, once retrieved while being accompanied by a member of airport security staff, to being searched by a really really hot cop. Flirting and smiling also allowed here. 🙂


2 responses to “What not to do when you travel.

  1. Love this 😀 Gave me a good giggle!

  2. I actually split my glass of wine laughing at that missus!!!!!!

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